If I Had You
by debraelq
Summary: "I think you should kiss Matt." Brittany's offhanded remarks gave Kurt hope. Could Matt actually like him? But then again, this was Brittany...
1. Chapter 1

A/N: This story was inspired by all the great Murt stories out there but especially by AdamPascalFan and her story, I'm Not That Boy. If it wasn't for her, I never would have discovered this pairing.

If I Had You

Chapter 1

"Hey, Kurt. Wanna make out?"

Kurt's hands stilled in mid-braid, his grip tightening on the silky blonde hair. He looked in the mirror at the person sitting in the chair in front of him.

"Brittany," he said slowly as if to a child. "We've talked about this. I'm gay."

She tried to nod her head, but Kurt was holding it fast. "With a capital G," she said instead, smiling at him in the mirror.

"That's right," he said continuing in his task to once again braid her hair. His hands moved quickly with a practiced ease. He finished with a hair tie at the end to hold it. "Done," he announced. "Now let's start on those nails. Your cuticles need a lot of work." They were in Kurt's basement having a 'spa day'. Now that Mercedes had a boyfriend, Kurt was a little lonely. He missed their girl time together. Hence his invitation to his fellow Cheerio.

Brittany turned to face him as he sat in a chair across from her. "I just think you should get to kiss someone, too," she said.

"I'm fine, Britt," he said, smiling at her. "Don't worry about me." He started working on her hands, aware of her eyes still on his face.

"I was thinking…"

"You really shouldn't do that…" he said shaking his head at her slightly.

"I shouldn't?" She really looked confused, and he had to take pity on her.

"Go on," he said with a sigh, waving his hand.

"I was thinking…" she hesitated and when he didn't say anything, she continued, "that maybe you should kiss Matt."

Kurt opened his mouth to respond but then shut it again. He didn't even know what to say to that.

"He's a really good kisser." As if that explained everything.

"Brittany, honey. I'm sure Matt doesn't want to kiss a boy."

"How do you know?"

"Well, he likes kissing you, right? So he likes girls." Hopefully, he made it simple enough so she could understand it.

"I guess… but you liked kissing me, too. And you like boys."

How did they ever get into this conversation? Kurt wasn't sure what to say… admit that he didn't really like kissing her? Or just let her think what she wanted?

It turned out she didn't really need any encouragement. When Brittany had an idea, no matter how ludicrous, she didn't let go of it easily.

"Anyway, I just thought that since you and Matt were so alike that maybe you would like kissing him."

"How are we alike at all Brittany?"

"You both like to sing and dance, and you were both in football…"

Okay, she had a point there, but she really didn't get it.

"Sweetie, just because we like to do some of the same things doesn't mean that we are alike… or that Matt likes boys." Kurt could feel the beginning of a headache. It was the same one he always got when trying to explain stuff to the blonde Cheerio.

"I know that, Kurt." She gave him a look like he was the dim one. "It's not what he does … it's what he says…"

"Wait, Matt talks to you? And he said something about…?" His voice faltered then. He wasn't exactly sure what they were even talking about. Still, he could feel the hope rising in his chest. He had really started noticing the quiet boy recently. Matt was a really good dancer and very cute, and Kurt had actually caught him staring a few times. That didn't mean that Matt was gay or that he liked Kurt. He tried to quell the hope before it got started. _Remember the Finn Fiasco._

"It was when we were kissing…" Brittany said with a fond smile. "And it was just like when you and I kissed and _you_ asked me…."

She paused and started looking through Kurt's collection of nail polish. Of course, he had quite the variety. You never knew when you were going to have a girl's night. She held up the Sula – Paint & Peel Modern Mauve. "Do you think this will look good on me?"

_Now_ she was distracted!

"Brittany… this is important. Did Matt… did _he_ ask you what boys' lips taste like, too?" he was having trouble breathing as he waited for her answer.

"No." She gave him a perplexed look, as she shook her head.

Kurt decided right then that it was just Brittany being Brittany, and it was stupid of him to get his hopes up… even for a minute.

Instead, he focused once again on her hands. Her cuticles really were atrocious.

"I don't remember him asking what boys' lips taste like…" she muttered, obviously trying to recall...

"It doesn't really matter, Brittany…"

He was embarrassed now and just wanted to move on, but she didn't seem to be listening to him as she concentrated on remembering.

Then she brightened considerably as if she had figured it all out. Good, maybe now they could just forget about it.

"Now, I remember… Matt didn't want to know what boys taste like…" Brittany concluded happily. "He just wanted to know what _you_ taste like."

**A/N: Just in case you were curious… here is the color nail polish Brittany picked out.**

**http : / / www. Sulabeauty .com/ catalog /10 /paint peel sula collection**


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Thanks for the wonderful response to this story. I have to admit, I was surprised! Thanks again.

If I Had You

Chapter 2

"This one's nice, too," Brittany said holding a bottle of pink polish out to him, seemingly unaware of the bomb she had just dropped.

"Brittany," Kurt said, taking the polish out of her hand and trying to regain her attention. "This is important. Are you sure you're not just confused?"

"I don't think so," she replied, her face scrunched up in thought. "I really like how it sparkles."

"I mean about Matt," he said impatiently.

"Oh…" She just shrugged and waved her hands in front of his face. "Are you going to finish my nails?"

"Sure, sweetie," he replied. "I'll work on making your nails look fantabulous, and you tell me about Matt."

"Okay," she said smiling brightly. "What do you want to know?"

"Remember what you were telling me… about that nght...?" Kurt encouraged. He really didn't want to have to spell it out.

"Oh, yeah," she said, nodding her head. "I remember…Matt called me and wanted to come over… It was right after we broke up." A sad look appeared on her face. "I miss my sweetbabygay," she said with a sigh.

"I'm still here, Britt," he replied. "We just don't make out anymore."

"Oh, okay," she said with a smile, happy again.

"Brittany?"

"Yeah?"

"What about Matt?"

"What about him?"

He told himself, it would do no good to strangle her.

"What happened when he came over?"

"Umm, let me see… I remember thinking we were going to make out, but all he wanted to do was talk… about you."

Kurt's head was spinning. He still couldn't believe it. Was it possible that Matt actually liked him?

"So you didn't make out?"

"We _did_ make out…" she said with a smile. "I told him how much I missed kissing you and then he really wanted to. After we kissed, he asked me what it was like to kiss you… what you tasted like."

"What did you tell him?" he asked softly, not looking at her, focusing instead on her nails.

"Strawberries… cuz that's what you taste like." She sounded wistful and when he looked up at her she was licking her lips, probably thinking about making out with him again.

"It's my lip gloss," he said quickly, not wanting to encourage her. "It keeps my lips from drying out. Ohio winds are a bitch."

They didn't say anything for a while then. Brittany hummed a bit as he moisturized her cuticles.

His didn't know what to think. He'd been ignoring his growing feelings for Matt, hoping they would die out if left untended... that was until Brittany's comments had suddenly brought them back to life. But did he really want to do this to himself again?

He had so many questions, and he wasn't even sure he wanted the answers… except to one…but did he have the courage to ask her?

"Brittany?"

"Yeah?"

His heart was beating wildly in his chest, and he gulped a few times to try and remain calm. This was stupid. It was Brittany. She didn't care. What was he so afraid of?

But he knew… he was afraid of voicing his feelings… as if the pressure of reality would shatter them into tiny pieces, falling helplessly at his feet. How could he admit them out loud, when he could barely admit them to himself?

Brittany was really looking at him then, her eyes intent on his face. He had to look away.

"What…" he still hesitated. "When you kissed Matt… what did he taste like?" He couldn't help the blush on his cheeks. When she didn't answer right away, he looked up. He was surprised to find that she seemed angry.

"I'm not going to tell you."

"Brittany…"

"No, Kurt!" she said. "It just makes me mad. If you and Matt want to know so bad, why do you keep asking me? Why don't you just taste each other?"

And suddenly Kurt couldn't think. The phrase _taste each other _kept rolling around in his head, doing crazy things to his body. An image of Matt crushing their lips together, licking, biting, and _tasting_ filled his mind. Their breaths mingled together like a whispered caress between hot kisses… and Kurt felt like could longer breathe. He was overcome with emotion… lust being at the top… followed by need, and loneliness.

He turned away from Brittany, trying to gather his thoughts. His world was once again in turmoil, and he didn't like it one bit! How could he let himself get to this point? Was he forever doomed to be attracted to straight boys? Not that there were other choices in gay-bereft Lima, Ohio. He should really give Brittany, and by extension himself, a break.

_But what if Matt does like you? _

He was not going to listen to _that_ voice in his head… the same voice that told him Finn really did like him.

And he was _not_ going to do this again.

Kurt sat back down and grabbed Brittany's left hand. He was silent as he filed her nails.

"Kurt?"

"Yes?"

"Are you mad at me?"

"No, of course not, Brittany."

"Then why are you hurting me."

And he realized then that he was filing her nails rather vigorously.

"Sorry," he said, trying to be gentler.

"I'll tell you if you really want to know."

"No, Britt," he replied in a softer voice, ashamed of his behavior. "It's fine." He started on the other hand.

"Okay."

He smiled at her, determined to put their earlier conversation behind them. They chatted about nothing as he carefully painted her nails. When he was done, she jumped up and down, dancing and waving her hands in the air to dry. He laughed at her enthusiasm.

When they were dry, he put on a sparkly overcoat… just because it made her happy.

"Thank you so much, Kurt," she said with a laugh. "I can't wait to show them to San, tomorrow. They are so pretty!"

"You are more than welcome, Britt," he said. "And thank you for hanging out with me. It's been fun."

She gave him a big hug, and waved her nails around once again, watching them catch the light.

He smiled as she gathered her stuff. Before she left, she turned back to him.

"Chocolate mint," she said.

He was barely paying attention to her. His room was now a mess, and so he was already mentally cleaning it.

"What?" he asked.

"You know those Peppermint Patty things," she clarified although it still wasn't clear to him.

"Yes."

"They are Matt's favorite, and he eats them all the time. That's what he tastes like… chocolate mint."

She smiled one last time as she hopped up the stairs and out of his room.

After she left, Kurt touched his lips, indulging in a fantasy about chocolate mint and strawberry kisses, and the feel of Matt's lips pressed firmly against his own… and right then, he knew… it was too late.

He was already in love, or at least serious like, with Matt Rutherford.

And he was totally screwed.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: I have to go out of town for work this week so I am not sure if I will get to answer all the reviews like I want. The good thing is the 4 hour drive to KC gave my muse plenty of time to come up with a major direction for this story. I am so exited! I can't wait to share with all of you guys. :)

If I Had You

Chapter 3

Kurt needed someone to talk to. Actually, what he really needed was his best friend. He decided, as scary as it was and as much as Mercedes was going to yell at him, he had to tell her about his growing feelings for Matt. He could not do this alone.

And so as they were walking to their first hour class together, he gathered his courage. Unfortunately, it was hard to get a word in edgewise. Mercedes was excited about her weekend and her time spent with Reggie.

Kurt liked the boy well enough. He seemed nice. Although, the only time Kurt had met him was when their Glee club had come over and held a scrimmage in the choir room last year. He was from the Haverbrook School for the Deaf. Kurt remembered when the other group had been singing and Mercedes had joined them on stage. Then the rest of New Directions soon followed. It had been an emotional experience, and he had noticed right away that Mercedes and Reggie had serious chemistry together. It had taken almost a year later and an accidental encounter in the music store for them to realize they should be together. Now it was all she could talk about.

"Reggie was telling me about his older sister… she seems really cool and then we…"

"Mercedes, honey. If you don't take a breath, you're going to pass out."

"Sorry, Kurt. I'm just so excited! He is my first real boyfriend… and no, Puck does not count."

He smiled fondly at her. Kurt really was happy for her… but he just needed someone, right now, to tell him he wasn't totally insane for liking Matt.

"I know, but not even you can pull off the blue glow that comes from lack of oxygen."

Mercedes threaded her arm through his.

"Fine, tell me about your weekend."

Now was his chance. He had her attention. If only he could bring himself to say the words out loud.

"Well, Brittany came over and I did her nails…"

"Oh my God, Kurt," she exclaimed. "That reminds me… Reggie bites his nails!" And she was gone once again.

"I know," she continued, obviously misinterpreting his grimace. "Total turnoff, right. But somehow, I still find him adorable."

Okay, so easing into it was not going to work. He would just have to say it. Otherwise, it would take days, and Kurt knew he would lose his nerve.

"Mercedes? Can I ask you something?"

"Of course, honey."

He hesitated for just a second before rushing forward. "What do you think of Matt? Don't you think he's kind of cute?"

Okay so in his head it sounded more like, _I'm totally in love with Matt_, but the words just wouldn't come out right. Maybe it was good to ease into it, some. No sense in giving her a heart attack.

But when he took a peek at her face, all he saw was anger. He was surprised. He didn't think she would react that strongly.

"Kurt Hummel," she said, and he cringed at what was sure to be a beatdown. "I cannot believe you. I absolutely have no interest in Matt. I'm with Reggie now. Why can't you accept that?"

He was dumbfounded. And for a second, he felt like laughing hysterically.

"I have accepted it, Mercedes," he said withdrawing his arm from hers.

"Then I don't want to hear any more talk about Matt Rutherford."

Since they were at their English class, and they sat right next to each other, it would have been possible for Kurt to clear up the misunderstanding. He just couldn't do it, though. He couldn't bring himself to tell her he wanted Matt for himself. It was too new, too raw. He knew his face was flushed red, but he couldn't help it. It would take too much explaining to correct her, and he was not able to do that yet. Maybe one day… when she was more receptive and less preoccupied. Maybe then he could talk to her about it. Until then he had no one. No one to help him, and he felt more alone than ever.

*%*%*%

"So did you kiss Matt, yet?" Brittany's voice was loud, and it seemed to reverberate down the hallway. They were on their way to Glee, and he looked around frantically to see if anyone was paying attention to her. Thankfully, they weren't. He pulled her toward the lockers and whispered at her harshly.

"Brittany! You can't just say things like that out loud!"

"Why not?"

"Because…" He took a deep breath to calm his pounding heart. "Because… I don't want anyone to know… about Matt."

"Why not?"

Clearly she did not understand what he was going through.

"It's complicated, Brittany."

"Really? You like Matt. Matt likes you. See? Even I understand it, Kurt," she said proudly, "and I don't understand a lot of things."

"It's just … I'm afraid of getting hurt, Brittany," he whispered softly, ashamed that he felt so weak.

"It's okay, Kurt," she whispered back. "I won't let him hurt you."

Looking up into her earnest, determined face, Kurt felt a surge of emotion for the Cheerio. He pulled her into a hug, taking comfort in the contact. Brittany hugged him back tightly.

"Thanks, Britt," he said, his eyes filling with tears. He really needed a friend right now, and here she was offering to take care of Matt if he hurt Kurt. It was all too much.

As he hugged her, he ignored the looks from the other students. Especially the _oh, no. Here we go again_ look he was getting from Tina and Artie as they passed by the embracing couple. He would explain it to them later. Well, some of it.

He smiled brightly at her as he released his hold. "I know you're just trying to help me, Britt, but I've got to take this slow, okay?"

"Okay," she said with a smile. "Can I help?"

At his obvious reluctance, she grabbed his arm.

"Please, Kurt? I want you to be happy and I think _Matt…_" She whispered the name behind her hand. "… will make you happy. Please let me help you?"

He wasn't sure what to do… should he accept her offer? The alternative of her trying to help on her own was even more frightening.

"Okay, Brittany," he said. "But here's the deal…"

She was no longer listening, however, as she jumped up and down for joy, a huge grin on her face.

"I'm going to help, Kurtie! Gonna help my sweetbabygay!" she said in a singsong voice.

"What are you helping Kurt with?" Santana asked coming up alongside them.

Already Brittany's ability to be discreet was being put to the test. Would she be able to keep this a secret from Santana? And then his heart seemed to stop. Mike and Matt had joined their little impromptu group.

"Britt's going to help Kurt?" Mike asked. "What does he need help with?"

And everyone's eyes were on the blonde Cheerio, but none were as imploring as Kurt's. Everything… his whole life could be over… and it was all resting on Brittany. How did he ever get to this point?

"Taste testing," she said simply, and Kurt sighed in relief.

They all looked confused, but that was normal when they were around the blonde girl. Still, he didn't need her explaining anything more to them.

"What?" Mike asked, and Kurt could see the same confusion on Matt's handsome face… although looking at the other boy just made him blush.

"Coach Sylvester is very strict on what we can and can't eat so Brittany and I," he said smiling encouragingly at her so she would go along with him, "are trying to develop a shake that tastes good but doesn't have any extra calories. We keep mixing stuff together, and Brittany is my taste tester."

"Oh," Mike said, giving Matt a _I still don't get it but I'm just gonna go with it _look. Matt just smiled adorably in return.

"But," Brittany said, "I really think Kurt needs to do the tasting."

Kurt tried hard not to blush any more as he thought back to what they were actually talking about taste testing.

"I want to help," Santana said. At everyone's surprised looks, she added, "What? I'm tired of eating sand, okay?"

Oh, great. Now they were actually going to have to come up with a shake. That shouldn't be too hard. What was going to be even more difficult was trying to keep Santana from finding out what they were actually doing.

The group dispersed then, everyone making their way to the choir room. As she walked by him, Santana smirked, and she had a twinkle in her eye.

And suddenly Kurt had the feeling that she already knew.


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: Thanks guys! Special thanks to AdamPascalFan... you might notice you've influenced me a bit...

If I Had You

Chapter 4

Santana sat in the choir room, fuming, as she watched the rest of the Glee club file in. She wasn't in a hurry for Glee to start. She liked it okay… it was usually the best part of her day, but today she was too upset.

She really wanted to bitch slap someone.

And the bitch she wanted to slap was one, Kurt Hummel.

Usually, she had nothing against the gay kid… although there were way too many divas in Glee Club… but now he had gone too far; he was trying to steal her girl.

Santana watched as the pair entered the choir room arm-in-arm. She was really tired of that boy… although he was a boy, really, only in the literal sense. And that was the problem.

Boys had never been an issue with them before. Making out or even having sex with boys didn't change anything they had going on. This was different.

Hummel was different.

He was more like a girl, really.

And Brittany was now doing things with him… things that she used to do with Santana.

And it had to stop!

She just needed to do it in a way that wouldn't upset Brittany.

After all, she was doing it for her.

~#~#~

Kurt tried to ignore the fact that Santana was staring at him. He was usually beneath her radar, and all the attention from her was making him nervous. Santana wasn't someone to mess with. He wasn't scared of her, but he didn't underestimate her either.

He was fairly sure at this point that Brittany had told the other Cheerio everything. But he needed to be certain.

The only way to really know was to ask Brittany. That was difficult, though, because Santana was always by her side.

It was after Glee Club that he saw his chance. Puck had cornered Santana, so he decided to broach the subject with Brittany.

"Hey, Britt," Kurt said putting his hand on her arm.

"Hey, Kurt." She smiled warmly at him.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Sure," she said.

He hesitated for a moment. "Have you told Santana anything?"

She looked confused. Already. This was not going to go well.

"About what?"

"About… you know…"

She still looked clueless, but maybe that was her default look.

"You know," he repeated. "About Matt being gay."

They had been slowly walking toward the door, but at his statement, she suddenly stopped.

"Matt's gay?" she asked in a loud whisper.

"Shhhh…" Kurt realized his mistake much too late.

"Oh, my God! Does _he_ know?"

"Britt…"

"You should tell him, Kurt."

"Britt…" he said trying to remain calm. "_You_ told me that he wanted to kiss…." But he couldn't even say it out loud. "… boys," he finished quietly.

She shrugged her shoulders as if to say… so?

"That means he's probably gay."

"I like to kiss boys," she said.

"But you're a girl, Brittany." Really it shouldn't be this hard.

"So… wait," she said obviously trying to figure it out in her head. "Matt likes kissing boys and that makes him gay… So you like kissing girls… does that make you straight? Oh my God, Kurt! You're straight? Can we make out?"

Really, why did it have to be this difficult?

"No, no, no, Britt!" he whispered harshly.

She pouted then, looking like she was going to cry, and he felt bad.

Kurt decided to try again.

"Britt… Can I ask you another question?"

"Not if you're going to yell at me," she said with a frown.

"I'm sorry, Britt."

"I don't like it when you yell."

"I won't yell, okay?" He hoped he could keep that promise. "Did you tell Santana anything about yesterday... when you were at my house?"

"No," she replied, "but I did show her."

Kurt hesitated. He wasn't sure he wanted to know… "You showed her?"

"Yeah." And the smile was back as she waved her hands in front of his face. "I showed her my nails."

He smiled back at her. It really was hard to be mad at her.

"Great, Britt," he said. He also realized he wasn't going to get anything more from her. "I have to go..."

"Wait, Kurt," she said, stopping him. "Do you think Matt's really gay?"

"Honestly, Britt, I don't know."

"Hey, there he is. Let's just ask him. Hey Matt," she yelled.

Kurt panicked, trying to get her to stop, but it was too late. The other boy was already walking toward them.

"Yeah?" Matt asked, looking at Brittany and then Kurt.

"Kurt and I wanted to ask you something."

"Actually, it was just Brittany," Kurt said quietly, "not me,"

She gave him a look but didn't disagree with his statement. She just smiled at Matt…

Kurt tried to figure out a way to stop her, but he couldn't come up with anything. His mind was in shock and no help to him at all. If there was just some way he could blend into the woodwork… but his outfit was just too fabulous for that to happen.

"Okay…" Matt said drawing the word out. "Kurt, are you okay?"

"Yes, fine," Kurt squeaked. He wasn't sure what had him more emotional… the fact that Matt said more than three words to him, the concern in the other boy's voice, or the fact that Kurt's life was now basically over.

Matt looked back at Brittany expectantly.

"Do you like girls or boys?" she asked cheerfully.

Matt seemed stunned as he glanced back at Kurt. Kurt looked away, trying not to blush.

"What?" Matt asked.

"Do you like to kiss girls?" Brittany said slowly as if she was talking to a child. Kurt thought she must have learned that from him.

"Yes," he said, clearly feeling better about that question.

"Do you like to kiss boys?" Again she talked slow so Matt could understand. Kurt couldn't even look at them. He wasn't sure if he wanted to laugh or cry.

"I've never kissed a boy, Brittany."

"Oh… but do you want to…?" But she got no further.

"Can I talk to you for a minute, Britt?" Matt asked dragging her away from Kurt.

"Everyone's always asking me stuff…" she mumbled as she went with the other boy.

Kurt tried to look nonchalant. It wasn't like he was trying to listen but some of Matt's words … "remember"… and "secret" … reached his ears. He could clearly hear Brittany, probably because she was facing him.

"I remember _now_," she said sadly.

Although Kurt couldn't hear what Matt said next, Brittany looked up at him, and Kurt suddenly knew what his question was... _Did you tell Kurt? _

He shook his head at her, mouthing the word, "No".

"No," she mimicked… even adding the head shake.

Matt's body relaxed as he seemed to sigh in relief.

He turned back to look at Kurt, who was suddenly interested in the wall beside him.

"Bye, Kurt."

He looked up at the other boy in surprise.

"Bye, Matt," he said smiling. His heart was still pounding wildly as the other boy walked away.

Brittany came back over to him… dejected.

'I'm not a very good friend," she said sadly. "I told a secret…"

Kurt hugged her tightly. "You are a very good friend, Britt," he said with a smile.

"Really?" she asked, returning his grin.

"Yes, and don't let anyone tell you that you're not smart," he added. "Some of your ideas are pure genius."

She squealed happily as she gave him another hug and a kiss on the cheek.

"Thanks, Kurt."

Meanwhile, Santana had managed to disengage herself from Puck and was now glaring at the couple.

Oh, it was most definitely on!

Kurt Hummel was going down.

And now she knew just how to do it.


	5. Chapter 5

If I Had You

Chapter 5

Matt gave up on his homework, throwing his History of Western Civilization book down in disgust. It was no use. He just couldn't concentrate. How did he get so messed up anyway?

Oh, yeah. He let himself fall in love with Kurt Hummel. Although, he didn't really have much of a choice in the matter.

And maybe love was too strong a word… obsessed? Was that better?

It was really hard to describe how he felt…

He thought about Kurt all the time… and just the sound of his laugh made him happy… and he thought Kurt was the sweetest, sexiest, smartest guy he knew… and he was amazed at how Kurt didn't let _anyone _get to him.

Okay, _in love_ was probably pretty accurate. And it was better than the alternative… totally, absolutely, and clinically insane. Matt even had a calendar that he marked each time Kurt said hi to him, or smiled, or even looked his way.

Yeah, insane wasn't too far off either.

It wasn't like he was actually stalking Kurt; he was just trying to gauge whether or not Kurt liked him. Matt really wanted to get up enough courage to ask Kurt out… or something. And he couldn't do that unless he was _sure _Kurt liked him first.

_What's the worst that could happen?_

He shook his head at that thought. If it was only telling Kurt that he liked him…. He could probably do it. But he would also be _coming out._ He hadn't told _anyone_ that he was gay. That, more than anything, kept him silent. Not that Kurt would judge him or tell anyone, but Matt just didn't feel ready. And if he was going to do this, then he was going to do it right. Kurt deserved that. He needed someone who was ready to face the world.

And Matt was not ready.

_But for Kurt it might be worth the chance…. _

If only he could be sure Kurt wouldn't just laugh in his face.

Matt stretched out on his bed and stared up at the ceiling.

The events of the afternoon came flooding back. Although Brittany said she didn't tell Kurt, he wasn't sure he believed her. It had all been so strange. He had been embarrassed at the time, and quite shocked that Brittany had brought it up in front of Kurt… of all people! But then it had seemed worth it when Kurt smiled at him. It was at times like these that he felt Kurt actually did like him.

And he had been so close to the other boy that he could have easily reached out and touched him.

He thought about that for a while… what it would have been like to touch Kurt… to tell him how much he wanted to kiss a boy… _wanted him_… And then he would touch Kurt's face as he leaned in to kiss him…

"Dude, what the hell?"

Matt sat up quickly and looked over at his best friend, who was currently standing in the doorway.

"Sup, Mike," he said trying to hide the blush on his cheeks.

"I texted you to let you know I was here… your sister had to let me in…. are you okay?"

"Yeah," he replied, "My phone's dead. I just…forgot to charge it."

"Okay, well… are you ready to go play some hoops?"

"Sure…"

When Matt didn't move off of the bed, Mike sat down beside him.

"What's up? You know you might as well tell me."

Matt smiled at that. They had been best friends for a while, and Mike always knew how to get him to talk… although not about everything.

And even though Matt didn't feel ready to confess his feelings to Kurt… he felt like maybe he was ready to finally tell his best friend. It had been a secret for so long… too long...and maybe he would feel better if he told someone. Someone other than Brittany.

"I just…. What do you think of Kurt?" Matt was nervous as he waited for his friend to respond.

"Do you want to know what I think or what I know?"

"What do you know?" Matt asked softly.

Mike looked away and suddenly the atmosphere was no longer light... it all felt so… serious.

"I know that you have never been interested in girls much… well, Brittany but I still don't know what that was about. I know that you watch Kurt when you think no one is looking…."

Matt didn't confirm or deny what he was saying. His head was down as he studied his hands and listened to his friend.

"And I know," Mike continued, "that anytime you stay over… you talk in your sleep."

Matt looked up then. That could not be good. He wasn't sure he wanted to know… but he couldn't _not _know…

"What…" he gulped, "what… do I say?"

"The one that seems to be on repeat is 'But I like my clothes, Kurt'," he said. "And then there's the other popular one, 'Please don't stop, Kurt'." Thankfully he didn't say it with the inflection that Matt knew all too well.

"Sorry," Matt mumbled, totally embarrassed. The room was suddenly quite hot, and Matt felt like he was going to suffocate.

"Hey, it's cool, dude. But honestly… that's why I started listening to my IPod all the time."

Matt didn't say anything. He was afraid to look at his friend, even though he seemed to be okay with it.

_God!_ Why was he such a coward? He didn't even deserve Kurt.

He looked up to see Mike looking at him.

"Now do you want to know what I _think?_"

Matt just nodded his head.

"I think Kurt likes you, too. Lately, he's been staring at you when you're not looking."

"Really?"

"Yeah, so Matty just tell him already, okay? I can't stand all this drama."

Matt laughed, relieved that the mood was lightened. He proceeded to push Mike off the bed.

"Hey!"

"Thanks, dude... for not freaking out," he said.

"No prob," Mike replied getting up off the floor. "Now let's go so I can kick your ass at basketball."

~#~#~

Matt felt much better after their game. The physical activity helped keep his mind off of Kurt… and made him tired. And he felt like a weight had been lifted. Mike knew his secret and had accepted it…. accepted him.

Maybe he would be able to sleep tonight.

That reminded him of what Mike had said earlier. He knew he talked in his sleep, but he didn't realize he talked about Kurt. He should have known though.

He had _that_ dream almost every night.

And it was almost always the same….

They were in the choir room or a class room or in Matt's room… the place changed, although he never really noticed much. No one else was there …. Kurt approached him, but he was always frowning.

'What in Versace's name are you wearing, today?" he asked in his sarcastic diva voice.

Matt looked down at his clothes. They were never the same…. Again, it didn't seem to matter. He didn't say anything… just stared back at Kurt.

"Really, Matt. I'm serious. Who dresses you?"

Matt wanted to defend his clothes, but he was having trouble concentrating with Kurt so close.

His silence didn't deter Kurt. He walked around Matt, shaking his head in disapproval.

And Matt finally found his voice.

"But I like my clothes, Kurt."

"Don't be ridiculous," he said absently as he felt the material. "No… I'm sorry, but this will not do."

Matt opened his mouth, but really what could he say?

"These shoes…." he said with a sigh. "They're all wrong. Gym shoes should _only _be worn in gym class."

"Okay…"

Kurt looked at him expectantly.

Matt sighed as he removed his shoes. It wasn't like he really had any others… well except for his Sunday shoes, and he was not going to wear those.

"Might as well get rid of the socks, too."

"Kurt…"

"This will go much quicker if you just accept that I know better than you when it comes to fashion."

"Fine," he said removing his socks.

And Kurt went through his whole outfit, systematically dismissing each item as either… wrong color, wrong style, or wrong texture. His scarf was deemed too hideous to even exist.

_Wait…_ he didn't even own a scarf… well not the kind you wore indoors. That should have told him something…

After a while, Kurt became impatient and started assisting him in removing his clothes. This was especially true of the buttons on his shirt.

"Matthew Rutherford, you are such a boy. Let me help you with those."

He probably could have done a better job if Kurt wasn't standing so close to him. And if he wasn't currently _undressing_ him...

He could feel Kurt's breath on his face, and the feel of his fingers lightly touching his chest as he made quick work of the small buttons.

"There," Kurt said finally. "Now those jeans…. I swear you must shop at Goodwill."

As Kurt reached for the top of his jeans, Matt grabbed his hands. They really _were_ soft… and yet strong at the same time.

"I think… I got this, Kurt."

Kurt stepped back… although not far… and stood with his hands on his hips… watching Matt's progress intently.

Matt flushed under his stare, fumbling with the fasteners and his zipper as he finally was able to get the pants off. He was suddenly more aware of the fact that he was almost naked in front of his crush. Kurt seemed unaffected though…. And still critical. Matt was surprised to find that it just excited him more.

Kurt shook his head sadly… as if Matt had just committed a crime against fashion.

"Plain white briefs… I honestly thought you were better than that, Matt," he said in a disappointed tone. "I really don't even know what to say…"

"Kurt…"

"They need to come off."

"But…"

Kurt raised an eyebrow at him, effectively stopping Matt's flow of words.

And when Matt still didn't move, Kurt took the initiative.

"Fine, I guess I'll just have to do it myself." He moved closer to Matt, hooking his fingers into the edges of his briefs and tugging downward...

And at this point Matt always woke up… painfully aware of the effects of his dream. Most of the time his imagination then took over where his dream left off…

And the familiar phrase would leave his mouth…

"Kurt, please don't stop…"

… And as if just thinking about the dream conjured it up, Matt awoke feeling frustrated...

Only this time the dream had changed. It was at the end when Kurt was in front of him and Matt was standing only in his briefs… Kurt was so close that Matt could see the excitement in his blue eyes and the tinge of pink to his cheeks. The other boy had never seemed to notice Matt as anything more than a make-over candidate. But now he seemed _aware_ of Matt…And then a surprising thing happened… Kurt smiled… a satisfied, yet somewhat eager smile… and it was so beautiful that Matt felt his heart stop. And then Kurt pulled his underwear down, and he could no longer think…

Matt's pulse felt out of control, and he had trouble catching his breath as he recalled the details of the new dream.

He wanted Kurt so much…and it wasn't just physical. His smile… his laugh… he just wanted to _be_ with him…

Matt had never felt this way about anyone.

Maybe Mike was right. Maybe now was the time to do something about it.

He decided right then that he was tired of waiting… tired of being a coward… tired of being alone…

Tomorrow, he would finally ask Kurt to go out with him.


	6. Chapter 6

If I Had You

Chapter 6

When Kurt arrived at school the next day, he was determined.

He had slept well, mostly because he'd convinced himself that he was _not _going to approach Matt and ask him out today, thus ensuring that he was looking his best. Kurt had taken special care in his appearance today. That was important because he was determined.

Today, he _was_ going to ask Matt out. Last night and this morning, he had thought about all the signs he could see that supported the theory that Matt actually liked him. The way he smiled at him, seemed nervous around him, kept looking at him, but most of all the fact that he had asked Brittany what Kurt tasted like. That was one of the most convincing arguments of all. Except that… it was Brittany.

Of course, he also _felt_ that Matt liked him. Usually that would carry a lot of weight but after the whole Finn Fiasco, he no longer trusted his own judgment when it came to boys and love.

Although last night the argument had not been convincing, this morning he felt more confident. He knew he could still be wrong. But at least if he did something about it, Matt would be able to correct his misinterpretation. Even though, it would devastate Kurt, at least he would know… and then he could move on. That was the most important thing to him… not to carry a torch for someone who couldn't return his feelings. Once was enough.

So he walked confidently down the halls with a bounce in his step. No one was going to stop him. When he reached his locker and his best friend, he was smiling.

"Good morning, Mercedes."

She gave him a confused look.

"Morning, Kurt. What are you so chipper about?"

Kurt was tempted to tell her. He really missed confiding in his best friend. But he knew what would happen. She would convince him he was wrong and talk him out of his plan. He couldn't risk it. He had to go through with this.

"I'm just having a good day," he said putting his arm through hers. "Ready to go to class?"

She smiled back at him.

"Damn straight," she said as they walked to class. "Kurt, you will not believe what Reggie did last night… that boy is so sweet…"

And she was off again. Kurt didn't mind. It helped distract him from his nervousness.

~#~#~#~

Kurt had tried to pick the perfect time to talk to Matt. He usually ran into him between 2nd and 3rd hour… he was _not_ a stalker… just observant…. He decided to talk to him then. There was one thing he was worried about, though. How was he going to get Matt alone? The other boy was always with Mike, and Kurt didn't want to have to ask to talk to him alone. That would sound too ominous.

When the time came, though, he realized he worried for nothing. As they approached each other, Mike excused himself to go find Tina or something and the two boys were left alone. If you considered being surrounded by other students in a crowed hallway, alone.

"Hi, Matt."

"Hey, Kurt," the other boy replied. He looked really nervous for some reason.

"I…" Kurt cleared his throat. "Would you like to do something together after school?" His words were rushed, but he at least got out what he wanted to say.

Matt looked stunned and didn't say anything at first.

_This could not be good!_

"What I mean is… Mercedes and I are going for ice cream after school, and I thought you might like to join us."

Matt must have realized he was just staring because he suddenly seemed to wake up.

"Sure," he said with a smile. "That sounds great!"

"I guess I'll see you later then."

"Cool, see you then, Kurt."

As he watched Matt walk away, he was happy and worried. He'd meant to ask Matt out for after the thing with Mercedes, but he panicked. So now it wasn't actually a date. It was more of just friends hanging out. He would take whatever he could get, though. That wasn't the problem.

Mercedes was going to kill him.

~#~#~#~

It was during their free time, right before lunch that Kurt decided to talk to Mercedes. They were in the choir room at the piano just goofing off.

"Mercedes," he began nervously.

"Yeah?"

"You know how we're meeting after school for ice cream?"

"You're not going to cancel on me are you Kurt? Cuz I've really been looking forward to this."

"No… it's just… I invited someone to join us. Is that okay?" He softly plinked on the keys as he waited for her answer.

"I guess… I mean I wanted us to spend some time together…. As long as it isn't Rachel."

He smiled at her then.

"It isn't Rachel, right Kurt?"

"No… it isn't Rachel."

"Good, cuz I'd hate to have to hurt you, boy."

They were silent for a few more minutes. Kurt knew he should just tell her, but he wanted to put it off as long as possible.

"Are you going to tell me who it is?"

"Matt," he mumbled trying to sound nonchalant.

"Oh, hell no!"

"Mercedes…"

"We've talked about this Kurt. I am not interested in Matt."

"I know Mercedes…"

'And yet you keep trying to get us together." She glared at him.

"That's not what I'm doing, Mercedes. If you would just listen to me."

"I'm done listening Kurt. You can just tell that boy…."

"I'm in love with Matt," Kurt blurted out. As soon as he said the words, he regretted them. He had never actually said them out loud before, and he had no idea how she would respond. He felt sick to his stomach and had an overwhelming urge to cry. Mercedes had become quiet at his announcement. He looked over at her.

"What did you say?" she asked in disbelief.

"I know you heard me," he said softly. "And I'm not repeating it."

"I don't understand… when did this happen?"

"A while ago, actually." He pretended to concentrate on the piano keys. He didn't want to face her.

"It's just… the last thing I knew… you were still in love with Finn."

"That was _so _yesterday, Mercedes."

They didn't talk for several minutes and the silence was unbearable. Kurt could feel her staring at him as he continued to look down.

"Mercedes," Kurt said with a catch in his voice, "say something," He really felt like he was going to cry, and he was afraid to see the disappointment on her face.

"Kurt… it's just so messed up." She seemed angry, and he could feel his eyes well up at her remarks.

"Fine," he said standing up and moving away from piano. "I'm just going to go…"

Suddenly his friend was standing next to him. He didn't even know she could move that quickly. She put her hand on his arm effectively halting his progress. Kurt didn't look at her. He didn't want to see the look on her face.

"Kurt," she said again but this time slower. "It's just so messed up… that your best friend is so wrapped up in her own life, in her new boyfriend, that she doesn't even know what's going on with her boy."

He looked at her then. The tears starting to flow… and realized she was also crying.

"I'm so sorry, Kurt," she said pulling him into a hug.

"I've missed you," he whispered returning her embrace.

"I'm such a terrible friend," she mumbled, but he shook his head at her as he pulled away.

"No," he said. "You're not. You're a good friend, and you deserve to be happy, Mercedes."

"So do you, Kurt."

"I'm fine," he said giving her a little smile while he blinked back the tears. "So aren't you going to give me the whole… Matt's straight and you shouldn't do this to yourself again… speech?"

"Does he like you back?"

"I think so."

"Okay, then, Kurt," she replied. "I trust you to know if someone really likes you or not."

"Really?" He gave her a disbelieving look.

"No," she said with a smile. "Not really. Sorry… the whole Finn thing. But I know you wouldn't put yourself through this again unless you really had something to back it up. So… let's hear what you got."

Kurt smiled as he prepared to tell her everything. It was really good to have his best friend back.

~#~#~#~

Lunch was interesting. Kurt didn't really know any other way to describe it. He had told Mercedes everything. She said she thought he was probably right although trusting Brittany on anything was not really a good idea. She convinced Kurt to write down his theory and then put down the evidence supporting it in one column and disproving it in another. He'd done that but all it told him so far was that Mercedes would make a good lawyer. She was actually quite scary. She had put the paper in her pocket, and he prayed that she wouldn't lose it. Although, they put initials instead of names, he was pretty sure anyone would be able to decipher _Theory: MR really does like KH and not just as a friend_. At least he was able to convince her _not_ to put love instead of like.

She stated she would guard it with her life.

Now, he was sure she was going to be adding more to the support side. Matt and Mike had suddenly decided to sit with the rest of the Gleeks at lunch instead of at their usual table with the football players. And Matt had sat down next to Kurt. He looked over at his friend with a _What did I tell you?_ look. She smiled in return and started writing on the piece of paper. Oh, he really hoped no one found that paper… or he might just have to transfer schools!

Overall, he enjoyed lunch, although, it _was_ difficult to eat. He was so nervous sitting next to Matt. And he was afraid of getting something on his shirt or on his face or just missing his mouth because at times it was really hard not to just stare at the other boy. He was just so _pretty_.

It would help if Matt wasn't so adorable. The jock was fun to talk to when he opened up. Who knew he had such a great sense of humor? Kurt found he really didn't know all that much about Matt except that his stomach did little fluttery things when he was around. Matt's eyes were at times serious and at times amused, and Kurt felt like he could get lost in their depths.

Kurt also knew that Mercedes was watching them like a hawk, and he wasn't sure if that was helpful or if it was just making him more nervous.

But the true test of Kurt's ability to remain calm came after they were all done eating. Matt reached into his back pack and pulled out a peppermint patty.

"You want one, Kurt?" he asked politely.

"No, thanks, Matt," he replied. "I'm good."

"Okay." And Matt proceeded to eat the chocolate covered mint, taking small bites. Kurt couldn't help but watch as Matt obviously enjoyed his dessert.

He finished it in three bites, and Kurt watched as he licked the last bit of chocolate off of his bottom lip.

"I have more. Are you sure you don't want one?"

Kurt just shook his head. He didn't trust his voice.

Then Matt licked his fingers, which Kurt would normally think was disgusting… but Kurt's mind was too clouded over to be grossed out. He wanted a taste, but it wasn't the candy he was thinking of.

"You look hungry… really hungry, Kurt," he said. "You _sure_ you don't want one?"

Kurt just smiled at him and looked away. He was trying hard not to think about licking Matt's bottom lip or trailing his fingers over those gorgeous lips…

"I'm sorry, Kurt," Matt said.

He looked back at the other boy in surprise.

"For…" _Being so hot? Looking so good? Wearing chocolate so well?_

"I'm eating like a pig… but you know I can't help it. I'm a growing boy."

Kurt didn't answer that. He didn't think he could. He was doing his best just not to blush.

Even though he was uncomfortable, nervous, and worried he would make of fool of himself, it turned out to be the best lunch ever.


	7. Chapter 7

If I Had You

Chapter 7

"Hey Kurtie," Brittany said, waving her hand and trying to get his attention.

"Brittany, please don't call me that," he said, stopping so she could talk to him.

"Can I call you my sweetbabygay?"

"Absolutely not…" Kurt looked around, but no one was paying them any attention. "At least, not in public," he added in a whisper.

"Then Kurtie it is…" She was smiling fondly at him. And while he appreciated her friendship, he didn't really have time for this.

"What did you need, Britt?" Kurt said, letting out a breath.

"Oh, Santana was wondering when we were doing our taste testing…"

He felt a moment of panic. Did she end up telling Santana after all?

"Taste testing…?" he asked, hesitantly, not sure which one she was actually referring to at that point.

"Don't you remember, Kurt?" she said. "It was like yesterday."

"I do remember, Britt honey," he said. Maybe she was hanging around him too much. She seemed to be a little more sarcastic than usual. "I don't know when we can do it. I've got a lot going on."

"Okay. I saw you eating lunch with Matt," she said smiling. "Did you kiss him yet?"

He just looked at her. How many times did they have to go over this?

"Sorry," she said and she mimicked zipping her lips.

Kurt smiled then. It was impossible to be mad at Brittany for too long. And the thought of kissing Matt made him feel even more excited. Of course this was just their _almost_ first date. But still it would be fun and it did involve ice cream…

Brittany unzipped her lips.

"It's just, I can't wait until you guys kiss…Oh, hey Kurtie… can I watch when you kiss Matt? Please?" She gave him a pleading look, but he just stared at her again with his mouth open.

"Sorry," she repeated and then zipped her lips shut once more.

Kurt felt bad. She was just excited to see them together. Who could blame her for that?

"Actually, I asked Matt to go with me after school today to get ice cream," he said.

She started clapping and dancing around, and she unzipped her lips so she could yell… and chant.

"Yay! ... Matty and Kurtie, Matty and Kurtie…"

He didn't even try to stop her.

"Mercedes is going with us though," he added.

"You should ask her not to so then you guys can be alone," she said knowingly.

"I couldn't do that."

She brightened almost instantly. "Maybe Mercedes wants to watch you boys kiss too!"

He didn't even have to give her the look. She had already started zipping her mouth shut.

Santana glared at the two of them as she watched them talk. As soon as Kurt walked away, she approached her friend.

"What's _he_ so happy about?" she asked.

Brittany just kind of shrugged her shoulders. Santana rolled her eyes as she reached up and unzipped Brittany's lips.

"Thanks, San!"

"Hummel….happy…" she prompted.

"Oh, yeah, Kurt asked Matt to go with him afterschool to have ice cream. Mercedes is going too but I think it so she can watch them make out… wish I could go," she added quietly.

Santana narrowed her eyes. "Really," she said.

"Isn't it great?" Brittany asked.

"Yes, it actually is, Britt," Santana said. Then she reached up and zipped Brittany's lips back before walking away.

~#~#~#~

Matt was having a great day. Amazing really!

He had woke up this morning determined to ask Kurt out. Thankfully, Mike had agreed to help him… anything to reduce all the drama going on.… Matt knew right when to do it, too.

The amazing thing was when he approached Kurt… Mike had wandered off, as planned… Kurt asked _him_ out!

He was so surprised he couldn't even talk. Of course, then he had to reassure Kurt… he really did want to go with him!

When he and Mike had eaten lunch with the other Gleeks instead of the football players, everyone, including Kurt had seemed surprised. Matt had been nervous about Mike's idea at first. Then he reasoned that since Kurt had asked him out, he could make the next move. And he sat down right next to him.

Matt was really shy, but Kurt was ridiculously easy to talk to. He found he really enjoyed himself. Although there was a moment when Kurt was watching him eat his candy… when another_ feeling_ came over him. He couldn't help it! Kurt was staring at his mouth and Matt wasn't sure if he wanted some candy… or if he just wanted _him_. He had an overwhelming urge to kiss Kurt right then. Britt had said he tasted like strawberries and Matt wanted to see for himself. He hadn't of course. They were in a room full of people.

And what if he'd been wrong?

But throughout their time together, he got the feeling that Kurt actually did like him, and it made him light headed just thinking about it. He couldn't wait for their… it wasn't actually a date… but he found he was really looking forward to it.

So he was preoccupied with thoughts of Kurt when he finally entered his 6th hour Spanish class. He could see Kurt and Mercedes in the rows ahead of him. Kurt looked back and waved. He said something to his best friend, and she turned around and waved, as well. Matt waved back at them both with a smile on his face.

Santana sat down in the seat next to him.

"Rutherford."

"Santana," he replied. "You don't sit here…"

"I know. I just think it's sad, and I can't sit back and watch it happen."

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"That's because you're too nice, Matt."

She was making him feel uncomfortable, and he really just wanted her to leave him alone.

"You would think he would learn… I really don't think he can help himself though." She said almost to herself.

"Who?" Maybe if he could just get her to say what she came to say, she would leave."

"Hummel, of course."

That really got his attention.

"What about Kurt?"

"I just think it's pathetic that he has to play matchmaker all the time."

"Matchmaker?" What was she talking about?

Santana rolled her eyes at him. "Remember his dad and Finn's mom? And there was that new girl… now that really ended badly." She shook her head. "And now you."

"Wait… What?"

"Oh… you didn't know? I'm sorry, Brittany said… but never mind. Forget I even said anything."

"Santana, what are you talking about?"

"It's none of my business…"

"Just tell me already."

"Hummel's trying to set you up with Aretha."

"No he isn't. Why would he do that? _Mercedes _is with that Reggie guy."

"But he doesn't like him, for whatever reason. So he wants you and _Mercedes_ to go out."

"That can't be right, Santana."

"Really? Then why does she keep staring at you?"

And Mercedes was staring at him. He had noticed it at lunch, too. But that didn't mean anything, right? He couldn't be wrong about this.

"I'm out," Santana said interrupting his thoughts. "Cuz really, I'm just bored with this whole conversation."

Matt watched her leave with a feeling of dread. Was it true? Was Kurt really just trying to get him and Mercedes together? He really thought Kurt liked him.

He couldn't concentrate at all in Spanish. As the bell rang he left aimlessly. He had one more class, but he knew he wouldn't get anything out of it.

"Hey," Tina said as he accidently walked into her. "What's up Matt? You don't look so good."

"I… nothing… Hey Tina, have you noticed anything going on with Kurt?" He wanted to ask her about the possible matchmaking, but he just couldn't bring himself to do it.

"Umm well, I think he might be dating Brittany again."

Okay, that could not be right.

"Anything else? Anything at all."

"Well, yesterday he was arguing with Mercedes. She got pretty loud."

"What were they arguing about… do you know?"

"Yeah, she was mad because he was trying to set her up with …. ummm someone." She mumbled the last part.

"Who, Tina? Who was Kurt trying to set her up with?"

"You…" she said with a small apologetic smile.

Matt felt like he had been punched in the stomach. All this time he thought Kurt liked him, and he was just trying to set him up with Mercedes. He didn't know what to do. He even considered going along with it just so he could be close to Kurt.

But what about Mercedes? She was obviously thinking it was a good idea now if all the staring was anything to go by. He just didn't want to have to tell her he wasn't interested. Then he might have to explain _why_. He could just hear it…_Sorry I can't go out with you, I'm in love with your boy. _

It was better to just avoid the whole thing.

~#~#~#~

Kurt kept watching the clock. Why did time move so slow when you were looking forward to something? Finally, his last class was over. He rushed to his locker to get his stuff. Soon he would be on an almost date with Matt. It was a dream come true. Of course, Mercedes would be there too. Hopefully she would behave herself.

As he shut his locker, his phone went off. It was Matt. He smiled then. They had exchanged numbers at lunch, and it made his heart beat faster when he saw the other boy's name on his screen. He opened the message, excitement flooding through him.

_Something came up. Can't go today. Sorry. Maybe some other time. _

Kurt tried not to read too much into it. Maybe something really did come up. They would just reschedule. Still he couldn't suppress the wave of disappointment that surged through him.

"Hey, Kurt? Ready for cold ice cream and hot boys?"

He smiled weakly at Mercedes. "Matt's not coming. Something came up."

"I'm sorry… he's probably just as disappointed as you, Kurt. There will be a next time."

"I guess… "

"Let's go have ice cream," she said. "We definitely need it now."

"Okay, I'll meet you there," he said with a sad smile.

Kurt managed to almost make it to his vehicle convinced that Matt was just busy and that tomorrow things would look better. He knew he hadn't imagined the way Matt smiled at him during lunch.

But he passed by Matt on his way to his car, and the other boy didn't even look at him. In that moment, he realized that Matt had cancelled on purpose. Something had changed from the time they had lunch until now.

But Kurt had no idea what it could be…

~#~#~#~

Things were going perfectly. Santana's main goal when she realized Hummel had a thing for Matt was to try and keep them apart. If she could break Kurt's heart, he would go running back to Aretha and leave her Brittany alone. He made it ridiculously easy, too. She'd heard their little fight the day before and that gave her the matchmaking idea. Everyone knew he loved that crap… almost as much as makeovers. Matt had also been easy to manipulate but really weren't all men? Of course, she realized that getting the boys together would have had the same effect. Hummel would have been too busy with his new boyfriend to hang out with Brittany…

But really, where was the fun in that?


	8. Chapter 8

If I Had You

Chapter 8

"You're a hot damn mess, boy," Mercedes said. "You need to get a grip."

Kurt looked up from where his head was resting in his arms on the table. He sighed as he sat up and once again picked at his ice cream.

When he didn't reply, she continued, "You know we've been coming here for a while now. And this is the first time you've actually _got _ice cream. Usually it's just a Diet Coke. That's how I know you're taking this way too seriously."

"Mercedes," he replied. "I think I have a right to mope and indulge in some ice cream therapy."

"You realize he probably had a good reason for cancelling, right?"

"You didn't see him Cedes," he said. "He couldn't even look at me."

"Maybe he didn't see you."

Kurt just rolled his eyes. She didn't understand. He knew… Matt cancelled on purpose... probably because he realized he didn't really want to be with him.

"Maybe you're right, Kurt. Maybe he cancelled on purpose. So what?"

"How can you say that?"

"It doesn't mean he doesn't like you, Kurt."

"I'm pretty sure it does."

'I think we need to calmly figure this out. And Kurt… you need to eat that ice cream before it melts. A crisis is not a good reason to waste Rocky Road Ice Cream."

~#~#~#~

"I'm done, Matt. I can't stand this anymore."

"Then go home." Matt was laying on his bed trying to ignore his best friend.

But instead of leaving Mike sat down beside him.

"Really, what's the deal? You wanted to be with Kurt… he asks you out, and then you cancel."

"I thought you didn't want to talk about this anymore."

"Well, I'd rather play basketball or video games… hell, at this point I would even settle for doing homework, anything but what _you're_ doing. Which is pining away for something you had and threw away."

"You just don't get it Mike."

"Explain it to me again so I can understand. No more whining about how Kurt doesn't really like you because I'm not buying that at all. I just want facts."

"He's trying to set me up with Mercedes."

"I don't believe that's true… I didn't even believe it when I first heard it."

"You knew? How…"

"Tina," he replied.

"And you didn't tell me?"

"Matt, I told you, I didn't believe it… she also said Kurt was dating Brittany again. That's obviously not true."

Matt didn't respond. He might not have believed it either but more than one person was telling him. And really, why would Kurt be interested in him?

"And so what if it's true."

He looked up at his friend in disbelief.

"You're kidding right?"

"It doesn't mean he doesn't still like you."

"I'm pretty sure it does."

"Think about it, Matt. What better way to get close to you … he doesn't even know you're gay, Matt. Remember the Finn thing? That was embarrassing and difficult for him."

Matt gave him a surprised look.

"Tina," he said, answering the unspoken question. "Maybe he wanted to get to know you better… see if you were really interested before taking a chance. Tina told me that Mercedes really likes Reggie. Not much chance she would be interested in you."

"Gee thanks."

"I'm just saying… give the kid a chance okay? Don't let your insecurities kill this relationship before it even begins."

"What if he doesn't really like me, though?"

"I'm gonna say this once, and then we will not speak of this again…"

At Matt's nod of agreement, he continued.

"I thought I was going to have to hose you guys down at lunch. The way you were staring at each other… Let's just say that there is no doubt in my mind that he does like you."

Matt sat up and smiled at his friend.

"Really? Thanks, Mike."

"No prob, bro. Just remember what I said. Never. Speak. Of. It. Again. Clear?"

Matt laughed and hit him with a pillow.

"Let's play halo," Matt said. "I'm suddenly in a mood to kill someone."

~#~#~#~

"Mercedes, we've been through this list a hundred times already. It doesn't change the fact that he cancelled on me."

"But I know he likes you, Kurt."

"How do you know that, Mercedes?"

"Are you kidding me? _I_ needed a cold shower after lunch. Just watching you boys eye-raping each other…"

"Mercedes," he said with a disapproving look. "That's so violent. And we were doing no such thing."

"Please, Kurt. I thought you guys were gonna start making out right there in the lunch room."

"And then he cancelled on me. Remember that fact?" He was so tired of her defending Matt's actions. It was obvious that the other boy did not really like him. He knew she was just trying to cheer him up but at this point he was satisfied to wallow in self pity.

"That was several hours later and anything could have…."

She stopped in midsentence and just stared at him.

"What?"

"Oh my god, Kurt! I think I know what happened."

He gave her a skeptical look, but his bestie just grabbed his arm and smiled really big.

"Fine, what happened?"

"What was so unusual about lunch, Kurt?"

Really? They were going to play twenty questions?

"Mercedes…" he whined.

She glared at him, and he huffed in annoyance.

"Fine… Matt and Mike ate lunch with us instead of the jocks…"

"Exactly!"

Kurt was still confused. What did that mean? Why didn't she just tell him? Couldn't she see he was in crisis mode?

"Kurt, think about it. Matt ate lunch with us… not the jocks. Then he practically made out with you in the lunch room…"

"You are _so_ exaggerating."

"… and then a few hours later, he cancels."

"Mercedes…"

Finally she seemed to take pity on him. "Kurt, what do you think those jocks thought about Matt having lunch with you… and staring all starry-eyed at you?"

Then it hit him. They would kill him. Or at the very least have a not so friendly conversation about whether Matt was …. Insert any homophobic slur here…

"Mercedes!" he said. "You think he cancelled because he couldn't handle them harassing him?"

"It's possible. And don't you dare start in on how if he really cared about you…. He would be out and proud…"

"I would never do that, Mercedes" he said. "Of all people, I know how hard it is to come out…"

"I think you need to give Matt a chance, Kurt. Just be his friend. Let him get to know you… then when he's ready, he'll be able to tell everyone."

"I think you're right."

"We should just do group things though, if I'm there he won't be as nervous about it."

"Mercedes you're brilliant! And a good friend." He gave her a big smile.

"No prob., Kurt. Now don't get too mushy… like that ice cream of yours

.~#~#~#~"

Kurt felt really good after his conversation with Mercedes. It all made sense. At least, it did… until after supper when he was alone in his room. Then all his self doubt came back. What if Matt just didn't really like him? Maybe it had nothing to do with the jocks.

After his phone rang for the second time (he'd ignored the first), he answered it.

"Hello, Brittany."

"Hey, Kurt," she said. "I just wanted to see how your date with Matt went."

"It wasn't a date, Britt."

"Oh… But did you kiss him?"

"Nothing happened, Brittany. Matt cancelled."

"Is that why you sound so sad, Kurtie?"

"Yes. I just really wanted this to work." This was why he didn't answet the phone in the first place; he knew Brittany would get him to cry.

"I'm sorry... I bet Mercedes was disappointed, too."

But then she was also good at distracting him. He just shook his head. Brittany and her ideas.

"I had a bad day, too," she said sadly.

"What happened?" He really hated it when Brittany was sad.

"I was in English and Mrs. Jacobs asked me a question I couldn't answer… she sent me to the principal."

That surprised him. Not the part about Brittany not being able to answer a question, but that she was sent to the principal's office for it. After all, she usually couldn't answer questions... well, not correctly.

"I can't believe she did that," Kurt said.

"She said I was a submarine, Kurt. Isn't that mean? We weren't even near water."

"A submarine?" he asked. "You mean insubordinate?"

"Yeah… that."

"What did you mean, Britt, when you said you couldn't answer her?"

"I tried to… really I did, Kurt, but I couldn't even open my mouth… I think the zipper was just stuck."

"I see. Britt, hon, don't zip your mouth shut anymore, okay?"

"But Kurt… what if I tell your secrets by mistake? I try not to… but I just forget they're secrets."

"I know. It's okay, Britt. If I have a secret I really don't want to get out… I just won't tell you."

Kurt was worried for a moment that she would get mad at him for saying that.

"That's a good idea!" she said happily. "Hey, would you tell Matt that, too? That way he won't tell me any more secrets either… like how he thinks you have a really nice smile."

"He said that?"

"Yeah… but I'm pretty sure it was a secret so don't tell anyone. So could you let Matt know not to tell me any more secrets?"

"I can't do that."

"Why, not?" she sounded really sad then.

"If I tell him not to tell you anymore secrets, Britt… then he will know you told me secrets in the first place. Understand?"

"Umm, I guess," she said. "Okay, not really."

"Never mind, Brittany," he said. "It doesn't matter. What matters is that you really cheered me up."

"I did?" He could hear rustling and he wondered if she was dancing around her room.

"Yes, Britt."

"That makes me so happy, Kurt!"

"Me, too. Britt. Thanks," he said. Even though Brittany was clueless most of the time, she always ended up saything just what he needed to hear. "And thanks for being my friend."

**~#~#~**

**I have updated my profile page with a new project I am working on. Please check it out. :)**


	9. Chapter 9

A/N: Sorry about the wait!

If I Had You

Chapter 9

As Mercedes entered the school the next day, she hoped Kurt had not reverted back to his earlier melancholy state. As soon as she saw him staring off forlornly, she knew that wish was futile. She followed his gaze expecting Matt Rutherford to be on the receiving end, but was surprised to find he was staring at the jocks instead.

"Hey, Kurt. What's up/"

"Mercedes… hi," he said sadly without looking at her.

"I'm assuming that look has something to do with Matt, and not Karofsky or Azimio …. Cuz that's just wrong." She shuddered at the thought. He didn't respond, and she tried again. "Boy, didn't we talk about this…?"

"It's not the jocks, Mercedes."

"Good, cuz that would just be creepy, and it would not end well for you," she said.

"No, I mean the thing with Matt."

"You can't know that, Kurt."

"Just now, when Matt walked by them, they didn't harass him at all. They just did that fist bump thingy…" He tried to demonstrate, and she grabbed his hand.

"You need to stop doing that, cuz you're just embarrassing yourself."

"Point is… he didn't cancel because of the jocks."

She tried to think of something to say that would cheer him up. She hated to see him like this. And five minutes was all she needed alone with Matt Rutherford. She would shake some sense into that boy's head.

"How messed up is it that I was standing here hoping Matt would get slushied?"

"That's pretty messed up, Kurt," she agreed.

"I guess I should just give up on him, Mercedes. He obviously doesn't really like me."

"Stop, Kurt. Before I have to hurt you. You're looking at this the wrong way. If he isn't worried about the jocks then he will probably sit with us again at lunch. Then you boys can get all googly-eyed again over each other." He turned his attention to her, obviously considering her logic.

"You could be right, Mercedes," he said finally showing some signs of life. "Then if he sits with us I can just flirt with him…"

"No. Kurt, you can't…. You are terrible at flirting."

"That's not fair. It's not like there's anyone I can practice on."

He looked sad again, and she tipped his face so he was looking at her.

"You don't need flirting, Kurt. Just be your charming self." She held his face gently in her hand. "Who could resist this beautiful face?" He smiled at her, and she realized how much she really meant her words. He was such a beautiful person, and not many people got to see that. But when he smiled like that, he was irresistible.

Matt Rutherford did not have a chance.

~#~#~#~

Matt stopped at his locker to get his books for third hour. So far he had managed to avoid Kurt. It wasn't that he didn't want to see him. In fact, most days he couldn't wait to catch a glimpse of the fashionable boy. He was just trying to get up enough nerve to talk to him. Matt was finally going to ask him if he wanted to hang out after school.

But what if Kurt said no? He didn't think he could take that.

He looked up just as Brittany was walking past him.

"Hey Brittany," he said. It was unusual for her not to stop and chat… even when he didn't want to talk.

She looked at him and for a second, he thought she was just going to walk away.

"Matt," she said coolly.

"What's up?"

"Nothing… well the sky," she said looking a little confused. Then her face cleared as if she had a purpose. "I'm sorry but I can't talk to you, Matt."

"Why can't you talk to me?"

"Because I don't want to accidently tell you any secrets…"

"Okay…" Now _he_ was confused. What secrets did she have? And did they have anything to do with Kurt?

"But mostly because I'm mad at you," she said before turning away.

"Wait, Brittany." He put his hand on her arm to stop her from leaving. "Why are you mad at me?"

"Because you made my Kurtie sad."

"Kurt's sad? Because of me?" And why did that thought hurt so much.

"Yes," she said. "You cancelled on him… I think you made him cry."

Matt didn't know what to think. Maybe Kurt really did like him. Why else would he be so upset that Matt cancelled?

"I didn't mean to, Britt."

"And you really upset Mercedes."

"Wait," he said grabbing both her arms. "Why was Mercedes upset, Brittany?"

"Because she was disappointed about the kissing…"

"I… What?" Matt didn't even know what to say to that.

"She was looking forward to all the kissing."

Did Mercedes really think he would kiss her? That really did not make sense.

"Mercedes told you this?"

"No, Kurt did and he was very upset."

"Kurt was upset about Mercedes?"

"Of course, Mercedes is his bestie, Matt." She gave him a look that clearly indicated he was clueless.

And maybe he was clueless. He definitely felt as if he was missing part of the conversation. Maybe the part Brittany was having in her head. The one where this all made sense.

"What else did Kurt say?"

She started to answer but then suddenly stopped. It was if a light bulb when off in her head. "I can't tell you," she said. "I'm not supposed to tell any secrets… and I just can't zip anymore."

Matt was beyond exasperated with the girl. How could she tell him something like that and then leave out part of it? And zipper? What the hell?

"What am I supposed to do, Brittany, if you don't tell me what Kurt said?"

"You could always just ask him yourself," she said and then turned on her heels and left.

As he watched her go, Matt considered his options. He _could _just go ask Kurt. That would be the most logical thing to do. But what was he going to say? Are you trying to set me up with your best friend or do you want me for yourself?

Definitely not.

He just wasn't confident enough to confront Kurt. Everything pointed to the other boy wanting to set him up with Mercedes. The only way to clear this up was to point blank ask Kurt if he's interested in him. He couldn't do that because he wasn't sure he could deal with the answer.

Of course, he could just hang out with him and see what happened. But what if he wanted Mercedes to be there? And worse still, what if the girl actually wanted to kiss him… Mercedes was cool and all but he didn't like her in that way. He didn't like _any_ girl in that way. It would be awkward… Matt would have to shoot her down. If he broke Mercedes heart, Kurt would really hate him. When had everything gotten so complicated?

So he decided to just wait and see what happened. If Kurt asked him to hang out without Mercedes, that was one thing. He thought he could do that, even if he talked about the other girl the whole time. At least, he would be alone with Kurt. If, however, he insisted Mercedes go along, then he would just tell Kurt he couldn't do it.

Decision made, Matt made his way to class.


End file.
